Rage against the machine

As I previously mentioned, sometimes the universe gives you what you need, far from what you want.

This week, it came in an epiphany regarding a socially perceived "dirty" state of being that I, and it would appear other female peers, often internalize: rage. Acknowledgement of this has slowly been building for a long time but it came to a hilt this weekend.

Let's back pedal a little, shall we?

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending a self-defense workshop at Chungs Martial Arts Academy in Markham, knocking off #57 on my list. It was truly an empowering experience. It covered the basic mental and physical preparation of how to avoid and react in an emergency situation. We learned how to break free of holds, how to dodge knives, and how to get our ass of the ground to stop a bad situation from getting even worse. To me, the most interesting thing about yesterday's course was wrapping my head around the psychology of self-defense. A lot of it has to do with deceiving your would-be attacker; letting them think they have control of the situation by playing into being a victim, until a surprise move throws off their intention. Looking confident with an everyday object in your hand, giving off the appearance that you're capable of using it as a deadly weapon. Striking first, feeling remorseful later. Always fighting, because you're only a victim when you think you are.

It wasn't pretty. The instructor showed us moves that would help us survive the most graphic of situations. They're moves I hope I never have to use but understand that as a female its a necessity to learn them.

Every muscle was worked. It was just what I needed. I'm reeling from a week of feeling both emotionally volatile and drained in my personal and professional life. I needed something that would teach me to mentally toughen up and boy did I get it in waves from this course.

Most girls partnered up with other girls but I was lucky enough to partner up with a guy (Hi Al!), so I got a chance to practice resisting against a masculine strength. But as adrenaline kicked in with practicing each move, I felt something emotional bubble up to my core: Anger. A lot of it.

I wasn't entirely surprised. On the drive to Markham,a girlfriend and I had a long conversation about the often confusing emotional meltdowns we experience. I came to the conclusion that I internalize a lot of anger because its usually not socially acceptable to be, well, angry. I usually choke back whatever upsets me and avoid confrontation, knowing that there's a risk it might escalate and someone will walk away (emotionally) hurt. Because of this, its usually a collection of minor things rather than just one main event that causes me to crumble. And God forbid I rage instead of crumble. Because then we are hormonal, then we are bitches, then we are stereotypes and stories to be swapped about.

But what could it be that makes me so angry? Particularly after waxing philosophical about things I like about myself? My paycheck, the cold, my weight, my loneliness? I'm not entirely sure. All I can do is acknowledge that I often don't express my outrage in fear someone will pat me on the head and tell me to go make them a sandwich. And as these realizations were rising to the surface with each jab and kick, they were coupled by the anger that I had to learn to fight to survive in these terrifying situations. Simply because of my gender.

Now, I'm not going to go start an all-female Fight Club to channel and expel my anger. It's not as if anger is the sole emotion the drives me, but I think its an emotion that women rarely talk openly about in fear of how they'll be perceived. Even in typing this, I get this sudden panic that people will think I have anger issues that will lead to kicking strangers in the face and vandalizing museums. But that's not for me.

It's just there. I need to not deny it when it becomes prevalent. I need to find tools to learn to cope with it and even learn to embrace it without fear.

I am woman. Hear me roar.

Also, watch me throw Al over my shoulder.

<3,

m

92. Identify 25 Things I Like About Myself

When I included this on my list, I thought it would be one of the easier ones.


I first attempted to write this at the beginning of the year, as a reminder to myself to start off 2011 in a positive mindset. When I got to it, I worried that its place on the list came out of arrogance and insecurity, so out of fear I put it off.


When I convinced myself that telling yourself that you like yourself is actually not a jerk move, I decided to work on the post for my 25th Birthday.


Except I couldn't think of anything. Well, I could. They weren't things of substance, though.


"I THINK I HAVE A GREAT ASS"
"MY HAIR LOOKS REALLY SHINY TODAY"
"BOYS TELL ME I'M PRETTY SOMETIMES AFTER THEY DRINK"

So I stopped writing down ideas and figured it'd be one of those items that'd just have to get done eventually.


Looks like it got done today.
So at the risk of sounding too self-involved, here it is. Things I like about myself. Backside-free.




1. I recognize my own bullshit (and yours too)

This is possibly my favourite thing about myself. I'm quite self-aware of all my flaws and shortcomings; there's virtually nothing that someone can say behind my back that I haven't already mentally expounded upon time and time again. The fact that I could have written a list on 25 Things I Dislike About Myself faster than this one is someho
w a sick comfort. I'm not throwing myself a pity party when I say this. By no means am I proud of certain unfavourable qualities about myself, but I recognize that they're unfavourable and actively try to curb them when I can. Except when that unfavourable quality is being lazy.


Being this perceptive also means that I've a finely tuned BS meter, carved out from my own poor choices. I might be nodding and smiling and being a complete idiot, but within five minutes of our conversation I can tell whether or not you got enough hugs as a child.

2. I'm open about my neuroses.

I can glide through life in a blissful state of peace until something minor throws me into complete basketcase-dom. I know that. And after I get all the emotional blathering and incessant apologizing for my behaviour out of my system, I'm back to relative zen. Then I'll crack a joke about that time I was a complete nutbar. Do you remember that time? Oh man. Such a nutbar.

3. I can tell you're not "just fine".

But if you don't want to talk about it, that's cool. I'll leave you be. But intuitively, I can sense when something's wrong and I'll always want you to know that you can talk it out with me. I'm a pretty good listener. I don't always have an answer, but I think that can be a good thing. After listening, I'll try and make you smile, even if it means I have to do the fake sexy dance. You probably won't want to see that. But at least I just distracted you from being upset.

4. My sweet, sweet dance moves.

See above.

5. My growing list of quirks.

Wearing the headset at work makes me sneeze. I use mixed CDs to communicate. I'm like that little girl in "Signs" that hoards glasses of water in my room.

6. I want more from myself.

I want to be happy but I never want to be complacent. By no means am I a perfectionist ( I think that requires a certain skill set I just don't have), but I have a need and desire to improve. I hold my behaviour to a high standard, which I think is why I'm so self-critical when said behaviour is not the greatest. Take this project. Making a New Years resolution wasn't enough for me, so I stumbled upon the dayzeroproject and have been trudging along with it ever since. I want to challenge myself because I think I can do better. I want to learn from struggle.

I must be a masochist.

7. I'm a hopeless romantic.

Oh, how shameful but so very true. Yes, please, by all means do hold up a stereo outside my bedroom window and blare Peter Gabriel.

This might be surprising as I can give off a very sardonic and guarded vibe. I wouldn't necessarily call it an "Ice Queen" mentality, but my defensiveness certainly comes close to it. Secretly, I want to believe in happily ever afters and Prince Charmings. I hope for the romantic fireworks and enjoy finding creative ways to express my love for someone. I believe in courtship and fun dates and walking a girl to the door and kissing her goodnight and sunset picnics and notes passed in class asking if you want to go to Under The Enchanted Sea '09.

Creative tokens of affection make me swoon. Sending me flowers is not cheesy. I want to wear pretty dresses and slowdance. I don't think I've ever taken a long walk on a beach....actually yes I have, it was really cold, but I still enjoyed it. I'm a big, gushy, romantic and that is totally okay.

8. I'm an idealistic realist.

But rarely do happily ever afters and Prince Charmings exist, and that's totally okay too. Knowing that there is a possibility of them happening somewhere to someone on this planet is good enough for me.

In the non-romantic sense, I like this quality about myself as it means that I know there's always a solution (or at least there can be). No matter how mess-deep I'm in, I can recognize that there is a way out and that nothing is impossible. It means I have a certain level of pragmatism but also enough hope to know that the solution to a problem doesn't always have to be a bad one, just a different one.

9. I like the simple things.

I get distracted by shiny things. Hot showers on winter mornings instantly perk me up. Stopping to smell the roses is indeed a fantastic idea. RetroJunk. Nice smells. Quality nail polish.

10. My wit.

Almost as sharp as my nails.

...

Okay, that wasn't witty but going into a history and the function of my own wit seems pompous (see #1) so the bad joke will have to suffice.

11. I've carved out my own understanding of my relationship with the universe. (deep, man.)

This is actually legit.

I've come to realize that all those little life cliches are true. Things happen for a reason. I used to think that if you put something out there into the universe, you'll receive it. Not true. The universe gives you what you need, not necessarily what you want. Sometimes the two intersect, hence great opportunities and happiness for all. Sometimes the universe gives us pain, tragedy, internal bleeding. Of course, this is not to say that people deserve pain, tragedy, internal bleeding, but a life without obstacle isn't a life worth living.

I know that my own little existence is only but a speck in the grand design of the cosmos and I think that is more than enough.

12. I'm fiercely protective of those I love.

I'm not sure that in this stage of my life I would call myself nurturing. I would call myself a harbinger of rage and violence if anyone mistreated someone I loved, though. So. That's...kind of being maternal, right?

13. I legitimately just want to get along.

Up until the age of 10, if I wanted to make friends with someone, I flat out asked them if they wanted to be friends. Usually before I knew their name.

Surely this was an awkward approach, but even at a young age I recognized the importance of camaraderie. I'm so grateful to have the friends that I do. It makes me hopeful in meeting new people. Because if I already know so many rad people, chances are there are even more rad people out there to get to know. If I'm meeting you for the first time, I want you to be awesome. I want you to be so incredibly awesome, we're high-fiving by the end of our meeting.

I get nothing out of hating on people. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that everyone has the capacity to be amazing and hilarious and extremely likeable. When I first meet you, I want to find reasons to think you're a great human being because there's nothing worse than the realization you're talking to a douche.

14. I'm the first to make fun of myself.

I'm the best punchline I know. I don't say that in a hateful way. In fact, I embarrass quite easily, but it takes the sting out when I'm the first person to do it.

15. I'm a big, silly goof.

I can quote Dumb & Dumber. I dress like a hobo. I love nerdy things. Fox Mulder is my fictional dreamboat. I'm in a serious relationship with malapropisms. I snort when I laugh. I fall both up and down stairs.

16. Knowing what turns you on turns me on.

I have a group of friends who go rock-climbing. I once went with a couple of them because heck, if they can do it, so can I! So wrong. I hurt everywhere and could barely get five feet off the ground. When I asked one of them why he's so into it, he casually replied that it was the mental challenge of it.

Basically, my friends are masochists too.

Okay, that's not the lesson here. I find it fascinating to learn what people are passionate about. Whether it's a unique style of dancing, culinary arts, politics, base-jumping, if you have a love for something truly unique, I admire that. I thirst to know what makes people passionate and what takes them out of their everyday lives. I like knowing what makes you you.

17. I can't play hard to get and even if I could, I never would.

It gets me in trouble more often then it does me any good. As much as I'd love to be that seductive goddess who confuses the hell out of an interested man, I can't be. I either wear my heart on my sleeve or I shut it down early before anyone gets hurt. That's how I roll.

18. I choose my words carefully (when it counts the most).

I blabber a lot. When it comes to someone else and their emotions though, I'm diplomatic. I'm articulate. I pause a lot before I speak a single syllable. I never want someone to hurt so if I have to bring something up that's delicate, I want to make sure each word is effective, respectful and not frightening.

Obviously, it comes from those beautiful neuroses.

19. I just want to hug it out.

HUGS ARE AMAZING. CAPS LOCK CANNOT EVEN CAPTURE THE AMAZINGNESS OF HUGGING.

That whole "Free Hug" movement is on to something, I'm telling you.

20. I've got a soundtrack in my head all the time.

Not only that, but sometimes when something ridiculous happens, I mug to an invisible reality TV camera.

21. I don't hate what I see when I look in the mirror.

I've made some poor decisions in the past when its come to my body and my weight. Needless to say, I'm sure these decisions altered the efficiency of my metabolism now. Regardless, more often than not, I look in the mirror and go "You're alright, kid."

I'm human and female, so naturally there are days when I look in the mirror and see the reflection of a beached seacow staring back at me. More often than not, my rationale wins over whatever hormonal induced body-image upset is raging. I'm in a healthy weight range. If ever I feel like I am teetering out of it, I know what I need to work on to get it back on track.

Growing up, I struggled with how I looked, particularly with the birthmark by my mouth. Kids would accuse me of not washing my face and though I wouldn't ever say I was bullied because of it, certain remarks hurt growing up. I even tried laser surgery to get the mark removed but it failed as the mark goes deep in the skin. Guess it wasn't meant to be. I'm glad it didn't work because it's forced me to just accept it as part of my appearance. Nowadays when people say I've got dirt on my face, I casually ex

plain it's a birthmark. Then they feel really stupid. All I can do is laugh and genuinely say they shouldn't.

22. You can bring me home to mother.

I mind my p's and q's and not my wtf's. Mama raised me right.

23. I want you to be happy.

Obviously a no brainer. But seriously. I want you to be happy. I will be your personal assistant/cheerleader/coach/confidante to help you attain whatever morsel of happiness you are currently fighting for. Then hopefully, we'll hug it out once you attain it.

24. The fact that I really sat down and thought this list through.

25. My story is unique.

The first thing I did when I was born was sneeze. I once won a cake by doing the Beyonce booty pop. The late great Robert Goulet nearly got to second base with me on national TV. I've done years of ballet, tap, jazz, acro, hip-hop, swing, guitar, gymnastics, swimming, piano, and junior band. I've seen Australia, Israel, London, Paris , Barcelona, the Bahamas, Morocco, various states. I have scars from both surgery and blacking out into a wall. I communicate better in writing than in speaking. I've loved and I've lost and I've screwed up. I always find rare, amazing songs. I joke I am every part of the U.N. and I love playing the "Guess My Ethnicity" game with strangers. I have an abundance of amazing female role models. I have a great smile.


I don't always keep my head up and I can't always see the light, but I know that I have value and meaning and my differences make me worth knowing.









<3,
m

Yup.

The universe pulled it together and decided I would not spend V-Day in PJs, overdosing on Teen Mom 2.

I actually had a Valentine.

...

Shut up.

More importantly, this Saturday, I will get to cross something else off my list as I learn how to gouge out the eyes of would-be sexual predators! Yay!

Anyways, this:

The sun is starting to shine again.

-m